omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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