new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
