What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
