billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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