that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
