Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Randomize
