seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
