dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
