someone threw a dead crab at me
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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