you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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