Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
why do cheetos always look like penises
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
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