The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
You are the jesus of drinking
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
