I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
