Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
