u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
