i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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