Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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