fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
