I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
