I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Randomize
