take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
