everyone is single if you try hard enough
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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