god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Randomize
