And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
You dont lie about slip and slides
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
