Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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