So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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