The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
