She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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