Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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