Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
