your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
he puts the penis in happiness.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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