During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Blood and glitter go together right?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
