No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I can't turn off my feet"
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
