They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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