Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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