I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
