it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
