his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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