Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
