I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
