hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
