No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
