god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Randomize
