If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
