remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
