he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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