I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
