No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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