the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
