This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Randomize
